Unsealed Fate

Is it written in the stars
Is it forever my fate
That I am to be abused?

 

Will I always be doubted,
Never to be loved?
Is that the life I'm meant to live?

 

For decades I've suffered
Been pulled and pushed
Its almost like it's my destiny.

 

I pray for the good
I work to make change
But it hasn't come yet.

 

Is my fate sealed?
Is it too late to try?
Should I keep going?

 

But, I don't believe it's forever
One day, someday soon, it'll change
And the goodness will begin to flow

Invisible

Just a small little girl
Standing silently
Wondering
If I scream, will they hear?

Just a small little girl
Deeply hurt
In a rage
I'm screaming, but they don't listen.

So this small little girl
Got the message
And gave up
You are invisible, they can't hear your cries.

And this small little girl
Grew older
Carrying the pain
But never sharing the burden, because she felt invisible.

She was a big little girl
Attempting to heal
From so much pain
That's when he told her these magical words

"Just because they were blind, doesn't mean you were invisible."

She was a lady
Validated
From the abuse
And the ones who let it happen while she cried out.

Family, Where Are You?

Family.
Where are you?
I've been calling.
Can you hear my cries?

I need some shelter.
Give me love.
The hate is raining down hard.
Is this what you call a tribe?

You left me alone.
My heart is broken and bleeding.
Yet your hearts, the bloodline's 

Remain frozen and cold

We've always been a tight-knit brood
Now you locked me out
Threw away the key for good
And gave refuge to the abuser.

Parents and children
Shining light and life unto another.
It seems the wind blew the candle out
And theres no life to relight it

Forgiveness

Filled with resentment

Burning with anger

I keep a tight grasp on my feelings

With no room for peace to enter

But it’s hurting, all too painful

Deeper than I remember the abuse to be

Eating up at my life

Inhibiting all chances of bliss  

I expected more, deserved better

Where was the love I sought?

All I got was the abuse

And now I’m living in the aftermath

I want to soak up the joy

But I keep drinking the poison

I need to let go and breathe

Release us both from my heart’s prison

I see you now with compassion

You could not do better

But alas, I can and I will

I shall live with mercy in my heart

I have forgiven the universe

And the universe has given me serenity

The Murder of a Sunny Little Girl

I was a little girl, carefree
Running free outdoors
Laughing, giggling, playing
Big bows slipping out of tight curls

I would climb trees and jump down
Play ball and chase all the boys
Collect bugs and build forts
I was full of joy, there was no reason not to be

But that happiness was shortlived
It wasn't meant to last, I suppose
And then my childhood was stolen from me
Stabbed in the heart, strangled at the neck

The sunny days turned grey and bleak
Skipping and hopping slowed down to trudging steps
What were once eyes lit up with laughter
Now stared blankly ahead lifelessly

I no longer went outdoors to play
I was not happy and full of joy
Instead I stayed home, slept too much
Became withdrawn and sad

He stole my childhood
He murdered the deepest part of my soul
Those years I can never get back
That life I can never relive

But maybe, just maybe, I can live the rest of my life with renewed joy. 

It's not over and that little girl is screaming to live again.

Always a Fighter

Everyone says I'm a fighter
But no one knows my battle

Everyone knows I fight
But no one knows against whom

The time has come to tell the truth
I have been fighting half a battle

And until I stand up and commit
I will lose this fight against all of them

But its not my battle, not my choice
I must stand up and speak out

Tell the world what happens at home
When the abuse is in your own bed

For all the girls who suffered this way
For all the boys who weren't believed

For all the siblings who were pushed aside
For all the children who didn't dare speak up

I will always be a fighter
Because you deserve a voice

These Battle Wounds of Mine

If I could ask one thing
Just one simple request
That would help me heal
Don't deny my truth

When I tell you my story
Listen and listen with a whole heart
Leave your judgments behind
Because I'm showing you my battle wounds

Some of these wounds have healed
Into jagged scars, etched into my soul
Yet, some of these wounds are still open and fresh
They burn and they bleed and get infected

So when I show you these wounds
In the way of my truths
The deepest story I have to share
Please listen and don't deny what is so obviously real

Does Anyone Care?

I used to wonder
Do I matter?
Does anyone care?
What is my worth?

My family-
They have made it clear
My abusers comfort is worth more than my life

All the therapists
I saw as a child
Ignored the obvious signs of abuse and couldn't be bothered with saving me

My teachers
The school I went to
Saw me as a nuisance more than they saw my value

So many friends
Just walked away
They didn't care that I was in pain, they needed to look good for shidduchim

And now again, I wonder
Do I matter?
Does anyone care?
What is my worth?

The Battle of my Recovery and My Abuse

I was abused
Taken advantage of
My body felt dirty and shameful
The pain was so deep, so intense
I needed to numb it out
I couldn't bear to remember

So I stopped eating.

I felt strong and powerful
Finally in control of my body
For once it was doing what I wanted
And I barely remembered the abuse
All I felt were pangs of hunger
And it felt good, the physical pain was a relief

So I continued starving myself.

But the control turned into fear
I was afraid of not being accepted
For the body God gave me
For the past I had to endure
For who I really truly was
And I was getting weaker, not stronger

I was scared, numb, and weak.

I ate so little, my body shut down
My heart was barely pumping
My brain shut down
I couldn't think coherently
My emotions had shut down long ago
I wasn't feeling

I was dying.

I had an eating disorder
They sent me to treatment
And there I began to eat
Not out of desire, but rather out of force
When my body got its strength back
My heart began to thaw

I hit rock bottom.

The emotions overwhelmed me
The flashbacks overtook me
All the pain I had shut out
Finally resurfaced
And the urges to restrict came back stronger

But I held on stronger.

I finally knew what it meant to feel alive
I had gained back part of my life
And I wasn't giving it back up so easily
The eating disorder and the trauma told me I can't do it
However the joys in my life that I only recently felt
Tied a knot in my rope and forced me to hold on

I continued eating.

The journey is hard
It's like walking through fire barefoot
Every step burns
But if I stop, it'll consume me
And I'll never get out alive
And that's all I really want
So I'll just keep fighting every day, every meal, until I win.

Escaping Peninim

This is the story of a gorgeous Bais Yaakov girl who got accepted to Peninim seminary.

Oh, but then she got accepted to a seminary with a far better reputation. So she notified Rabbi Meisels of Peninim that she will not be attending. And he blew up! He called her school, her parents, her aunts, uncles, neighbors, and family Rabbonim attempting to convince them that Peninim was the best seminary for her in the hopes that they would reach out to her. When that did not work, he threatened her and her family that she would never get married. He threatened her younger sister's chances of getting into seminary and at shidduchim.

Obviously, this just turned off the family and the girl even more. The girl went to the other seminary and pushed this unpleasant incident out of her mind.

Fast forward to this summer when the news broke about Meisels sexually abusing students in Peninim and his other 3 seminaries and this girl's family heard the news... they remembered how Meisels insisted she come to Peninim and would not let her go. At the time, it seemed very strange. No one could explain it. Now, it made sense. All the pieces fit together. He accepted her to his seminary because he thought she was "good prey" and when she didn't come, he could not handle losing a girl he almost had his hands on. 

This is the sick mind of Meisels, the man running the seminaries that so many of our girls have been going to for years. The man trusted with the lives of girls at 4 seminaries for a full year, living overseas from their parents. A very sick twisted mind indeed. 

If you or anyone you know had a similar experience or was abused by Meisels, I am willing to share your story on my blog anonymously. Please email me at manytearsago@gmail.com. 

These Bandaged Wings

You came to me
You told me you need me

I told you to get away
For years I was yours
To do with as you pleased

Now I am free
Now I can say no

But you wouldn't take no
So you made me yours again
Your raped me and left me shaking

Please stop
Just get away, I beg

So you left
You disappeared
You got what you needed and jumped

Now I cannot move
I cannot breathe

What was once bandaged wings
Are now shattered beyond repair
As I lay here and cry