Saturday, May 30, 2015

I'm Sorry Body

I'm Sorry Body,

For calling you names, shaming you
and putting you down, lest you be proud.

For hiding you under layers of clothing
ashamed for so many years.

For starving you and depriving you
in hopes of getting slimmer.

For forcing pills through your system,
depleting you of the little nutrients you had left.

For not respecting and abusing you.

For making you sick and ignoring your needs.

For not acknowledging the miracle that you are.

But most of all for hating you.

Please, forgive me. Let's be friends.

I promise to do my best to nurture and nourish you.

To respect and take care of you.

But most of all, I will love you. 
For you hold my soul and you deserve the best.

I'm sorry, body, I will do better going forward.

Monday, May 25, 2015



Those who have one
Feel blessed.
They claim to be the best of friends.

Those who don't have one.
Wish they did.
They say they missed out on growing up with their best friend.

I have a sister.
Yet, I don't feel blessed.
We are not friends, we don't even speak.

Because all that connects us is our DNA.
There is no love and connection.
Perhaps there never was.

She chose to look the other way
And protect my abuser
She chose him over me.

She knew the truth
Yet, she claimed I was lying
Because it didn't fit with her idea of happily ever after.

Sisters. They're supposed to stick by you through thick and thin.
My sister. She went running when I needed her most.
She's not my sister. She's just my parents other daughter.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015


All alone
I lay here

All alone
I sit here

All alone
I live here

Because I am alone
Without company
And friendship

Because loneliness consumes me
When no one can understand
And no one cares enough to either

So all alone
I sleep. I write. I exist.

"Alone is what I have. Alone is what protects me." 
Sherlock Holmes

Monday, May 18, 2015

Does Anyone Care?

I used to wonder
Do I matter?
Does anyone care?
What is my worth?

My family-
They have made it clear
My abusers comfort is worth more than my life

All the therapists
I saw as a child
Ignored the obvious signs of abuse and couldn't be bothered with saving me

My teachers
The school I went to
Saw me as a nuisance more than they saw my value

So many friends
Just walked away
They didn't care that I was in pain, they needed to look good for shidduchim

And now again, I wonder
Do I matter?
Does anyone care?
What is my worth?

Monday, May 11, 2015


I was little
You were older.

I was naive
You took advantage.

I was trusting
You were manipulative.

And you abused me
But it was more than abuse.

You stole from me
However I'm not sure I want it back.

You stole my childhood
My innocence and ability to trust.

But I gained knowledge and a deeper sensitivity towards others in pain.

You stole my feelings of self-worth
The way I felt comfortable in my own skin.

But I am learning to ignore societal standards of beauty and love myself despite my flaws.

You stole my parents
How I loved them and felt their love back.

But as I learn to let go, I am able to make decisions that empower me instead of living in their shadows.

You stole my future
It seemed there was nothing left to live for anymore.

But now my future shines brighter than yours, the star child, and I know all hope is not lost.

You stole my body
Now it no longer responds the way it used to.

But I have learned to be more sensitive to my body and to listen to those silent messages.

You stole what I could have been
Everything I wanted to be is now out of reach.

But now I have been given opportunities that are far greater than anything I could have ever imagined.

You stripped my mind
It is now haunted by the demons of what you have done.

But now I am healing and no longer haunted by the demons because you can no longer control me.

You stole and stole selfishly without a second thought.

But you can't bring me down. This has made me stronger than I could have ever hoped to be.