Monday, October 19, 2015

Sweet Poison

Years and years of silence
Waiting to talk
To tell my story
To share what I know

But you told me to shut up
And so I did
Kept quiet
But now I'm done

I'm done listening
To your abuse
To your lies
No longer taking orders

Now I can't stop talking
Everywhere I go
It's all I do
It's all that comes out

I'm overwhelmed with an urge
To protect the young
A burning desire
To educate all

You complain that I'm poison
To your mind
With my ideas
And now you think about abuse

Inside I chuckle and laugh
It's about time
Oh and don't worry, Dad
It's what I like to call sweet poison.

If I Told You the Truth

If I told you the truth
Would you believe me?

If you heard my whole story
Could you ever face me?

When you hear I am a survivor
Do you cringe?

Do you want to know it all?
Will you tell me you believe me?

If you heard me say his name
Would you say it's not possible?

If I choose to trust you
Will I soon regret it?

When I speak about all that he has done
Will you tell me to stop telling lies?

Do you want to know the truth?
Or do you prefer a blissful ignorance?

Too Broken to Love

You said you loved me
But I didn't believe you
It seemed impossible.
After all that, who would?

I tried to love you
Maybe I did
We did everything right
But then I could never hold on.

Am I too hurt to love again?
Too broken to be loved?
Is loved reserved for the whole-
perfect souls that never really lived?

How can I love you
If I despise myself?
How can embrace your love
If I can't accept myself?

Can you love me when I push?
Will you wait for my tears to dry?
I still love you as I run from you.
I'm a broken girl waiting to be believed.

Friday, September 18, 2015

Unsealed Fate

Is it written in the stars
Is it forever my fate
That I am to be abused?
Will I always be doubted,
Never to be loved?
Is that the life I'm meant to live?
For decades I've suffered
Been pulled and pushed
Its almost like it's my destiny.
I pray for the good
I work to make change
But it hasn't come yet.
Is my fate sealed?
Is it too late to try?
Should I keep going?
But, I don't believe it's forever
One day, someday soon, it'll change
And the goodness will begin to flow

Monday, August 24, 2015


Just a small little girl
Standing silently
If I scream, will they hear?

Just a small little girl
Deeply hurt
In a rage
I'm screaming, but they don't listen.

So this small little girl
Got the message
And gave up
You are invisible, they can't hear your cries.

And this small little girl
Grew older
Carrying the pain
But never sharing the burden, because she felt invisible.

She was a big little girl
Attempting to heal
From so much pain
That's when he told her these magical words

"Just because they were blind, doesn't mean you were invisible."

She was a lady
From the abuse
And the ones who let it happen while she cried out.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Damsel in Distress

Look at me
See my strengths
Want my beauty

See me
As a survivor
A waging warrior

Want me
For who I am
And all that I can be

Don't look at me
And see me
As a damsel in distress

Don't look at me
And want me
Like a problem to be solved

When I look at my life
I see pain and hurt
As building blocks to my blessings

When I see me
I see my past overcome
And a future to be built

I want you
To throw away what you see
And see what I see

Could you please?

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Family, Where Are You?

Where are you?
I've been calling.
Can you hear my cries?

I need some shelter.
Give me love.
The hate is raining down hard.
Is this what you call a tribe?

You left me alone.
My heart is broken and bleeding.
Yet your hearts, the bloodline's 
Remain frozen and cold

We've always been a tight-knit brood
Now you locked me out
Threw away the key for good
And gave refuge to the abuser.

Parents and children
Shining light and life unto another.
It seems the wind blew the candle out
And theres no life to relight it

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Puzzle Pieces

When I was born
I was given one piece
The puzzle piece of life
But one piece does not do much good

I held onto it and saved it
As time went on, more pieces were added
I received passion and energy
Eventually the piece for words too

I found the pieces for relationships
Hidden away, getting kind of dusty
And I started to put it together
But alas, I did not have a complete picture

It felt like I was losing pieces
My puzzle would never be complete
But then something happened
It changed how I was figuring it out

I stopped living to complete the puzzle
I no longer attempted to find the missing pieces
Instead I just lived.
I took the pieces I had and used them daily

And somehow the missing pieces came around
They seemed to appear out of thin air
Snapping into place
The picture started to appear

I saw that was I was doing, the way I was living
Using the pieces from my early years
To create my picture now
Helped me find my way and my mission

I fell into this role
I was just trying to clean up
And put together a thousand piece puzzle
But instead I created my life

Tuesday, August 4, 2015


Filled with resentment
Burning with anger
I keep a tight grasp on my feelings
With no room for peace to enter

But it’s hurting, all too painful
Deeper than I remember the abuse to be
Eating up at my life
Inhibiting all chances of bliss  

I expected more, deserved better
Where was the love I sought?
All I got was the abuse
And now I’m living in the aftermath

I want to soak up the joy
But I keep drinking the poison
I need to let go and breathe
Release us both from my heart’s prison

I see you now with compassion
You could not do better
But alas, I can and I will
I shall live with mercy in my heart

I have forgiven the universe
And the universe has given me serenity

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Deep Hearts

Deep Hearts
They hold more
And feel more
But mine also gives more

My passion is my strength
Don't tell me to lose it
It's the captain that drives
My deep heart

And in my deep heart
I hold many emotions
It pulls me in to your kindness
But pushes me away when I'm hurt

I was not born to be still
And lead a quiet, mediocre life
This deep heart can only keep pumping
When it gives and leads and creates

You say I'm too sensitive
They say I'm too intense
But I say this is how my blood flows
Its where I get my oxygen

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Mirror Mirror On the Wall

Mirror, mirror
On the wall
Why can't I see
What everyone else sees?

Mirror, mirror
On the wall
Is it true
That what I see is distorted?

Mirror, mirror
On the wall
Am I as ugly as what I see?
Or as beautiful as what they say?

Mirror, mirror
On the wall
I feel obese, I see the fat
They say I'm not. Who's right?

Sunday, July 5, 2015

The Murder of a Sunny Little Girl

I was a little girl, carefree
Running free outdoors
Laughing, giggling, playing
Big bows slipping out of tight curls

I would climb trees and jump down
Play ball and chase all the boys
Collect bugs and build forts
I was full of joy, there was no reason not to be

But that happiness was shortlived
It wasn't meant to last, I suppose
And then my childhood was stolen from me
Stabbed in the heart, strangled at the neck

The sunny days turned grey and bleak
Skipping and hopping slowed down to trudging steps
What were once eyes lit up with laughter
Now stared blankly ahead lifelessly

I no longer went outdoors to play
I was not happy and full of joy
Instead I stayed home, slept too much
Became withdrawn and sad

He stole my childhood
He murdered the deepest part of my soul
Those years I can never get back
That life I can never relive

But maybe, just maybe, I can live the rest of my life with renewed joy. 
It's not over and that little girl is screaming to live again.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Independence for All

To be free
To choose
To be free
To speak

That is independence.

To live
In happiness
To live
In peace

That is independence.

To speak
Without fear
To speak
Without whispers

That is independence.

But I cannot live
Until all our shackles are removed.
If one survivor is living in fear
None of us are free.

So let us not celebrate freedom
Let us not embrace independence.
Rather, let us work and create goals
Towards freeing our chained brothers and sisters.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

The Love that I Dream of

I dream of a love so deep
We will always hold hands
To keep our heads afloat
Just so we don't drown 

I dream of a love so kind
Our dreams will become in sync
Our work will support the other
And the other will support our work

I dream of a love so real
When we correct the others errors
There will sincere gratitude
Instead of taking offense

I dream of a love so beautiful 
At times I wonder
Is it just a dream
Can a love like this take root and live?

I dream of this love
And I won't settle for less
Because this love is in my heart
And its the only love I know how to give

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Always a Fighter

Everyone says I'm a fighter
But no one knows my battle

Everyone knows I fight
But no one knows against whom

The time has come to tell the truth
I have been fighting half a battle

And until I stand up and commit
I will lose this fight against all of them

But its not my battle, not my choice
I must stand up and speak out

Tell the world what happens at home
When the abuse is in your own bed

For all the girls who suffered this way
For all the boys who weren't believed

For all the siblings who were pushed aside
For all the children who didn't dare speak up

I will always be a fighter
Because you deserve a voice

Sunday, June 14, 2015

These Battle Wounds of Mine

If I could ask one thing
Just one simple request
That would help me heal
Don't deny my truth

When I tell you my story
Listen and listen with a whole heart
Leave your judgments behind
Because I'm showing you my battle wounds

Some of these wounds have healed
Into jagged scars, etched into my soul
Yet, some of these wounds are still open and fresh
They burn and they bleed and get infected

So when I show you these wounds
In the way of my truths
The deepest story I have to share
Please listen and don't deny what is so obviously real

Monday, June 8, 2015

Dream a Little Dream

I have a dream
A vision
Of what kind of life I want
The life I deserve

A life of peace
Filled with joy 
Healthy days
When pain no longer haunts me

But all that is just a far off dream
A dream I cannot achieve by wishing alone
It is nothing without a plan
The life I deserve will never come unless I bring it in

So I set forth on this journey
Of bringing my life alive
By keeping myself alive
And advocating for the peace and joy I deserve

Saturday, May 30, 2015

I'm Sorry Body

I'm Sorry Body,

For calling you names, shaming you
and putting you down, lest you be proud.

For hiding you under layers of clothing
ashamed for so many years.

For starving you and depriving you
in hopes of getting slimmer.

For forcing pills through your system,
depleting you of the little nutrients you had left.

For not respecting and abusing you.

For making you sick and ignoring your needs.

For not acknowledging the miracle that you are.

But most of all for hating you.

Please, forgive me. Let's be friends.

I promise to do my best to nurture and nourish you.

To respect and take care of you.

But most of all, I will love you. 
For you hold my soul and you deserve the best.

I'm sorry, body, I will do better going forward.

Monday, May 25, 2015



Those who have one
Feel blessed.
They claim to be the best of friends.

Those who don't have one.
Wish they did.
They say they missed out on growing up with their best friend.

I have a sister.
Yet, I don't feel blessed.
We are not friends, we don't even speak.

Because all that connects us is our DNA.
There is no love and connection.
Perhaps there never was.

She chose to look the other way
And protect my abuser
She chose him over me.

She knew the truth
Yet, she claimed I was lying
Because it didn't fit with her idea of happily ever after.

Sisters. They're supposed to stick by you through thick and thin.
My sister. She went running when I needed her most.
She's not my sister. She's just my parents other daughter.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015


All alone
I lay here

All alone
I sit here

All alone
I live here

Because I am alone
Without company
And friendship

Because loneliness consumes me
When no one can understand
And no one cares enough to either

So all alone
I sleep. I write. I exist.

"Alone is what I have. Alone is what protects me." 
Sherlock Holmes

Monday, May 18, 2015

Does Anyone Care?

I used to wonder
Do I matter?
Does anyone care?
What is my worth?

My family-
They have made it clear
My abusers comfort is worth more than my life

All the therapists
I saw as a child
Ignored the obvious signs of abuse and couldn't be bothered with saving me

My teachers
The school I went to
Saw me as a nuisance more than they saw my value

So many friends
Just walked away
They didn't care that I was in pain, they needed to look good for shidduchim

And now again, I wonder
Do I matter?
Does anyone care?
What is my worth?

Monday, May 11, 2015


I was little
You were older.

I was naive
You took advantage.

I was trusting
You were manipulative.

And you abused me
But it was more than abuse.

You stole from me
However I'm not sure I want it back.

You stole my childhood
My innocence and ability to trust.

But I gained knowledge and a deeper sensitivity towards others in pain.

You stole my feelings of self-worth
The way I felt comfortable in my own skin.

But I am learning to ignore societal standards of beauty and love myself despite my flaws.

You stole my parents
How I loved them and felt their love back.

But as I learn to let go, I am able to make decisions that empower me instead of living in their shadows.

You stole my future
It seemed there was nothing left to live for anymore.

But now my future shines brighter than yours, the star child, and I know all hope is not lost.

You stole my body
Now it no longer responds the way it used to.

But I have learned to be more sensitive to my body and to listen to those silent messages.

You stole what I could have been
Everything I wanted to be is now out of reach.

But now I have been given opportunities that are far greater than anything I could have ever imagined.

You stripped my mind
It is now haunted by the demons of what you have done.

But now I am healing and no longer haunted by the demons because you can no longer control me.

You stole and stole selfishly without a second thought.

But you can't bring me down. This has made me stronger than I could have ever hoped to be.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

The Battle of my Recovery and My Abuse

I was abused
Taken advantage of
My body felt dirty and shameful
The pain was so deep, so intense
I needed to numb it out
I couldn't bear to remember

So I stopped eating.

I felt strong and powerful
Finally in control of my body
For once it was doing what I wanted
And I barely remembered the abuse
All I felt were pangs of hunger
And it felt good, the physical pain was a relief

So I continued starving myself.

But the control turned into fear
I was afraid of not being accepted
For the body God gave me
For the past I had to endure
For who I really truly was
And I was getting weaker, not stronger

I was scared, numb, and weak.

I ate so little, my body shut down
My heart was barely pumping
My brain shut down
I couldn't think coherently
My emotions had shut down long ago
I wasn't feeling

I was dying.

I had an eating disorder
They sent me to treatment
And there I began to eat
Not out of desire, but rather out of force
When my body got its strength back
My heart began to thaw

I hit rock bottom.

The emotions overwhelmed me
The flashbacks overtook me
All the pain I had shut out
Finally resurfaced
And the urges to restrict came back stronger

But I held on stronger.

I finally knew what it meant to feel alive
I had gained back part of my life
And I wasn't giving it back up so easily
The eating disorder and the trauma told me I can't do it
However the joys in my life that I only recently felt
Tied a knot in my rope and forced me to hold on

I continued eating.

The journey is hard
It's like walking through fire barefoot
Every step burns
But if I stop, it'll consume me
And I'll never get out alive
And that's all I really want
So I'll just keep fighting every day, every meal, until I win.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

It's What I Do With My Pain

Survivors. It's such a general term.

We use it for anyone who has been through sexual abuse. But not everyone who has been through sexual abuse is the same. There are different types of abuse. And that leads to various effects. And all these people who have been abused turn out differently.

There are the Forever Victims. They may speak up about their abuse. They may not. However, it is always about them. Their message is always the same. I have been hurt. I have been betrayed. You owe me now. You all owe me. Everything is about my pain and suffering, never about empowerment and moving forward. They pull out the victim card whenever they get the chance.

Then there are the Survivors. The ones who have been hurt and acknowledge that. But then they decide they want to heal. They want to have a good life, turn the pain into power. So this is what they talk about, how awful the abuse was and how it transformed them, changed their lives. It's a powerful and important message, one we all need to hear.

And then some Survivors become Advocates. They dedicate their lives to helping others become Survivors. They speak up about their abuse because they know how important it is for others to hear how devastating and how common it is. It is these Advocates who are changing the face of sexual abuse, today and tomorrow. They empower other Survivors just by being, just their mere existence inspires others. Because they make it about everyone else's suffering. Not their own. That was just the process they had to endure to save others.

But let's not be mistaken and assume that it is the ones who have endured the worst abuse and with the least support who become Forever Victims. Interestingly enough, it is usually the ones who have been hurt the most who sympathize the most. They have been hurt and beaten and stepped on, over and over, so they understand how much it hurts. They want to make you feel better and not go through what they did.

"Above all be the heroine of your own life, not the victim."

Sunday, January 11, 2015

The Voice of Freedom

I was a slave
Living in silence 
But it was no life
Without words 
And a story to tell

I was a free woman
Bearing a message
Of hope and life
Sharing my story
With everyone 

I was enslaved
The suffering was so deep
The pain so much
I became numb
There was nothing else to lose
And I lost my voice

Only after I was set free
Released my own chains
My sensitivity was restored
I recognized the evil 
And was able to cry out
And begin to create the art within me

(Based on the teachings of Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik and Rabbi Avraham Yitzchok Kook)