Saturday, April 25, 2015

The Battle of my Recovery and My Abuse

I was abused
Taken advantage of
My body felt dirty and shameful
The pain was so deep, so intense
I needed to numb it out
I couldn't bear to remember

So I stopped eating.

I felt strong and powerful
Finally in control of my body
For once it was doing what I wanted
And I barely remembered the abuse
All I felt were pangs of hunger
And it felt good, the physical pain was a relief

So I continued starving myself.

But the control turned into fear
I was afraid of not being accepted
For the body God gave me
For the past I had to endure
For who I really truly was
And I was getting weaker, not stronger

I was scared, numb, and weak.

I ate so little, my body shut down
My heart was barely pumping
My brain shut down
I couldn't think coherently
My emotions had shut down long ago
I wasn't feeling

I was dying.

I had an eating disorder
They sent me to treatment
And there I began to eat
Not out of desire, but rather out of force
When my body got its strength back
My heart began to thaw

I hit rock bottom.

The emotions overwhelmed me
The flashbacks overtook me
All the pain I had shut out
Finally resurfaced
And the urges to restrict came back stronger

But I held on stronger.

I finally knew what it meant to feel alive
I had gained back part of my life
And I wasn't giving it back up so easily
The eating disorder and the trauma told me I can't do it
However the joys in my life that I only recently felt
Tied a knot in my rope and forced me to hold on

I continued eating.

The journey is hard
It's like walking through fire barefoot
Every step burns
But if I stop, it'll consume me
And I'll never get out alive
And that's all I really want
So I'll just keep fighting every day, every meal, until I win.

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