Saturday, April 25, 2015
The Battle of my Recovery and My Abuse
I was abused
Taken advantage of
My body felt dirty and shameful
The pain was so deep, so intense
I needed to numb it out
I couldn't bear to remember
So I stopped eating.
I felt strong and powerful
Finally in control of my body
For once it was doing what I wanted
And I barely remembered the abuse
All I felt were pangs of hunger
And it felt good, the physical pain was a relief
So I continued starving myself.
But the control turned into fear
I was afraid of not being accepted
For the body God gave me
For the past I had to endure
For who I really truly was
And I was getting weaker, not stronger
I was scared, numb, and weak.
I ate so little, my body shut down
My heart was barely pumping
My brain shut down
I couldn't think coherently
My emotions had shut down long ago
I wasn't feeling
I was dying.
I had an eating disorder
They sent me to treatment
And there I began to eat
Not out of desire, but rather out of force
When my body got its strength back
My heart began to thaw
I hit rock bottom.
The emotions overwhelmed me
The flashbacks overtook me
All the pain I had shut out
And the urges to restrict came back stronger
But I held on stronger.
I finally knew what it meant to feel alive
I had gained back part of my life
And I wasn't giving it back up so easily
The eating disorder and the trauma told me I can't do it
However the joys in my life that I only recently felt
Tied a knot in my rope and forced me to hold on
I continued eating.
The journey is hard
It's like walking through fire barefoot
Every step burns
But if I stop, it'll consume me
And I'll never get out alive
And that's all I really want
So I'll just keep fighting every day, every meal, until I win.