Monday, July 1, 2013

In Response to Pop Chassid: Why I Dress Modestly

This is in response to 

*I am in no way criticizing his post. I thought it was very thought out and authentic. 
This is just my personal take on the subject.*

I dress tznius. 
Or at least I try to. 
I try harder than I care to. 

And then I tell myself that I'm dignified and full of self respect. 
Perhaps it even makes me better than the girl in a low cut blouse. 

After all, I don't look cheap. 
Men don't think I'm easy. 
I'm a classy woman. 
That's what I tell myself. 

But that's not the truth. 
It could not be farther from the truth. 
In reality, I have no self dignity. 
I constantly put myself down and am worse than my own worst critic. 

The truth is sad. 
The truth is that I hate my body. 
I'm ashamed of it. 
It feels dirty to me. 
In fact, any male attention feels dirty. 
It triggers me. 

It takes me back to a time when I was used for my body. 
When I was abused. 
When I was molested. 

I was a little girl, just seven years old. 
He would force me to get undressed 
and show my private parts to his buddies and they would pay him. 

As the years went on, it got worse. 
His friends were no longer involved. 
It was just me and him. 
Or whatever was left of me. 
I didn't have much of a say. 
And he was the active one. 

The abuse stopped abruptly before I hit puberty. 
Before my body began to develop. 
And so when it did, I was afraid. 
Afraid to provoke him, seduce him or catch his attention in any way. 

So I jumped on the tznius bandwagon. 
After all, we were taught that the woman holds the power
She is the one that brings down man. 
So I must have not been modest enough 
and that's why I was punished with the abuse. 
Now, I can cover up, stay out of sight 
and nothing will happen to me again. 

I was wrong, of course. 

Sitting on my high horse, 
I had to convince myself 
that being tznius really did make me a better person. 
Otherwise, he might see through my act and get to me again. 

But then it happened. 
This time involving someone else. 
Someone meant to be my equal. 
But he didn't respect my boundaries. 
He had to have what he couldn't have. 

And I was raped. 

My shame in my body grew stronger. 
Religion was no longer a priority. 
After all, I didn't want to be anything like my abusers. 
My "holy" abusers. 
But I still kept up the tznius facade. 
I hid behind my skirts and buttoned up blouses, 
hoping no one would realize how provocative I really was 
and what disgusting things I had done with my body. 

I look in the mirror and I cringe. 
Tears come rolling down my cheeks. 
I cannot bear the sight of my own body. 
They tell me I'm beautiful, 
but the face staring back at me doesn't seem so pretty. 
All I see are the scars of my past. 
It's so easy to find fault and pick on every detail. 
I feel no pride in being a woman. 
I see no beauty in the female figure. 
Its just a dirty mess in my mind.

I dress modestly but for all the wrong reasons.


  1. They say Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but evil is in the soul of the devil. Abusers are EVIL, they are liars and cheaters. They are selfish connivers. They are all actors without one ounce of Yiras Shamayim. They only pretend to have faith and belief in God, but if they truly believed in God and feared God they would realize that they stand before God 24/7 and HE sees everything they do.

    Any person who harms another is not religious in any way, shape or form. I hear your pain loud and clear. It breaks my heart. I hope one day that you realize that it had nothing to do with you and who YOU are, and everything to do with the evil that lurks in the heart and soul of those people who chose to ignore who you were A PERSON, A HUMAN BEING, A CHILD, A BODY WITH A HEART AND SOUL, and just used you like a toy, an object, a vessel for their own selfish desires. I hope one day that you find your own refuah and you realize that you ARE beautiful no matter what you look like and no matter what happened to you, because you are Hashem's child and HIS creation and what happened to you at the hand of EVIL should never define who you are. There will always be evil in the world, but they can never prevail over goodness. They have to be rooted out and exposed. We have to take away the devil's pitch fork and use it against them. Hatzlocha.

  2. You are a brave person. I hope you are getting all the help that you need that will reassure you o lf the most important fact; IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

  3. Scars make you stronger not uglier!!!!!!. Look in the mirror again look again and again and ull see your self as a concrete pole which may be beating up and even a chunk or 2 missing here and there and know that its just a sign of YOUR STILL STANDING WHEN THEY TRIED TO TAKE YOU DOWN so walk with your head up and let your scars and wounds make you and the next generation pillars that will be so strong that they will never come close to this

  4. What an incredibly powerful account of your story. You are amazing and beautiful and hugely inspirational. Thank you for sharing.

  5. tears. i just want to hug you and tell you that you are beautiful, and i pray you both seek and find the healing you deserve so that you may find joy in reaching back a hand to help others, for what good could come out of this unless to help others? shalom motek. you are not alone.

  6. You must be one of the most special and precious people alive because evil seeks to especially destroy the spirits and lives of the very people that can defeat it and weaken evils power. So before you can do that, it tried to bring you down. You are probably destined or capable of amazing things and so the evil tried to get to you before you had a chance. You are gorgeous. Your soul is gorgeous. Your body is gorgeous no matter what happens. Your body is the temple, your soul is the feminine divine presence who feels in exile waiting and waiting fir the day to come the messiah who will treat you like the divine queen you are and against all odds you will have a beautifful family that you will be the best parents protecting your young, and in your merit we may merit the mashiach. I hope my words will find favor in your eyes I only meant well and said the truth. I hope I didn't say sometthing that would hurt. I love you, beautiful person only good things should befall you and happiness and health and love and shalom =)

  7. This reminds me of my mother. She always covers up to the extreme. I never saw her body past her wrists and ankles. She quoted tznius, but my guess is her modesty is more fear and shame of her own body than anything else.