Wednesday, July 24, 2013

I Believe


I believe
I trust
But I don't understand

I believe in you,  God
I believe you run the world

I trust in you, God
I trust that there's a greater plan

But I don't understand you, God
I can't comprehend

Why it is necessary?
Why do we need to suffer?
Why do we have so much pain?

Why, God, why?
Why me? Why her? Why him? 

What did we do to deserve such a fate?
What terrible sin did we commit?

How are we supposed to deal with a living hell?
How can I cope with this endless pain?

When will it end?
When will I feel whole again?

Where will the relief come from?
Where should I search for help?

Who will save us?
Who can I reach out to?

Who will hurt us?
Who will use my body and heart to their own advantage?

I need some answers
Some consolation


To help me understand

I believe
I trust
But I don't understand. 

1 comment:

  1. I feel your pain. I will try to explain what I myself understand.

    I am a second generation holocaust survivor. My mom and her sisters were in Auschwitz. It wasn't easy growing up as a survivor being fed stories of the war and the camps on a regular basis. But it actually defined who I grew up to be. As an adult, mother and grandmother I started mentoring at-risk teens and brought them to meet my mom and her sisters. They all asked them the same question. "after going what you went through how can you still believe in G-d?" Their answer was always the same "How can we not, after what we witnessed?".

    They went on to explain that Evil is perpetrated by man not by G-d. During the war they saw the evil in people. People who were supposedly their friends, who were eager, not just forced to but eager, to turn in Jews, and also steal from them. On the other hand they saw Gentiles who had so much compassion and a sense of right and wrong that they risked their own lives unnecessarily to save Jews. They witnessed both good and evil play out during the worst of times. Hitler only succeeded as far as he did because he lit the fire and passion of those who had evil and hatred within them. That was a lesson to the entire world. And although the Jews got the brunt of it, gypsies were also victims as well as anyone they deemed imperfect such as homosexuals, mentally challenged and physically challenged.

    G-d gave people bechira, choice, and people chose to either allow their evil inclinations to take over or allow their goodness to shine through. Every person had to look within and understand who they were. On that count nothing has changed. We still have the same choices. We still possess the same ability to either be evil or be good and we each need to look within ourselves and decide if we will allow the evil inclination to take over or will we choose to be good. This is a decision we each make thousands of times a day.

    Hashem does not allow bad things to happen to us, it is in the hands of humans. Hashem is here to protect us from our enemies and to help us get through our challenges and our pain. Things happen for a reason and we don't know why we are the kaporas of certain challenges, but we do know that we can rely on Hashem to help us get through anything and everything.

    What questions should we ask, why do people do bad things? Should Hashem take away our bechirah? What would life be like if we did not have the ability to choose? Would we then all be the same? Like all the same things? Think alike? Act the same? Dress the same? Could we consider ourselves individuals? What would our lives be like without bechira? HE gave us the rules it is up to us to choose to follow them or not. We can either act as humans or behave as animals.

    Yes it is wasted on bad people and WE would like to deny them the option. But we can't pick and choose who Hashem grants rights to.

    I know this is a terrible nisayon, I have had my own share of very, very difficult struggles, not that I wish to compare them to yours but at my age, and my stage of the game I have gone through my own kind of personal gehenom many times over and have relied on my emunah and bitachon in Hashem to help me through. In all honesty, Hashem is the constant. Always reliable and dependable. The only one I can trust because humans can be finicky and waver.

    So I wish for you that you find some peace and solice knowing that you can depend on Hashem to help you through each challenge even this one. And that he can send you the right shelichim to help you through this journey. I know this for a fact because I have seen this happen. If I had the power of a magical wand, I would wave it over you and sprinkle you with magic dust and make all your pain disappear and turn back the hands of time and make you have never met the monster that haunts you. But I don't have such power. I can only give you a brocha that you should have mazel and hatzlocha in the future and that you have a refuas hanefesh.