My Deepest Desire

I am a person
a human being 

I am a soul
with feelings and emotions

I am a woman
who wishes and desires

I don't ask much
not for your love
not for your affection

I don't desire
your approval
nor your flattery

All I want
All we want
All anyone wants
is respect

It is not just a mere desire
It is my deepest desire

But it is more than that
It is a necessity

Like the air we breathe
The food we eat
And the water we drink

Every one of us needs respect

We are people, human beings 
And women with souls. 

A New Year

A New Year

New beginnings

A chance to start fresh

The opportunity to wipe it clean

And begin anew

For over a decade I would try

Every single year

To make strong resolutions

I attempted to be a good person

And wash my soul clean of sin

But every year I failed

Constantly covering up the blemishes

Yet, they always resurfaced

Never fully healed

Blemishes that uglied my reflection

It tortured my already distraught soul

I thought I was too bad to be good

There was no hope

No chance of a future

Not for the likes of me

But then I matured

I was surrounded by strength

Affirmations from friends lifted me up

And I slowly realized a deep truth

It was never my fault

I am not to blame

I did not perpetuate evil

I did not seduce my molester

He committed evil

I was merely a victim

But now I am a survivor

A survivor starting a new year

A new life

Survivors

Survivors,
You're my sisters, my brothers
The ones I never had

You support me
You protect me
You empathize with me

Like they never did

You hold my hand
You lead the way
You keep me standing

And I do the same for you

Because we're brothers and sisters
Friends and supporters
Fellow survivors

You are my family that I chose
The family that I need
The family I never had

Thank you.

Dear Mom (Part II)

Mother,

They tell me about a feeling
Its something every mother feels
Its a love that knows no bounds 

Do you feel that way towards me
That even when I err
I am still your daughter
That you are the only mother I will have

I need you
To guide me
To love me
To hug me
And accept me

I've made mistakes
But haven't we all

Mother,

You tell me you hate me
You tell me I'm bad
Never good enough

You ignored the abuse
And blamed the symptoms on me
Your young child
An innocent little girl

Now you attempt to ease your guilt
By transforming me to a bad girl
In your mind

Where I am provocative
And unfaithful

Where the labels you stick on me
Are true and fit with who I am

You call me fat
Lazy and worthless
A whore, a prostitute

You wish the worst on me
On your very own flesh and blood
You campaign against me
Never at my defense

Why, mother
Why must you ignore my tears
And suffering

You turn a blind eye to my pain
Can't you see I am just a helpless girl
Trying to stay afloat

Yet you push me down
Hoping I'll drown
So you can be right
And your pride will remain intact

I hope you are happy now
I have left
Left you and your games
You and your negativity

I am free
More free than I ever imagined possible
There will be no more of your abuse tying me down

Now I am free
To soar high
And heal.

Blessings

Amongst the pain and tears
There's a light
A bright shining light

With each breath I take
And every day I face
That light shines brighter

The struggles I have overcome
The challenges and hurdles
Life put in front of me
I jumped over
Each time with higher leaps and bounds

My life has been so tumultuous
Never a peaceful moment
Always a new test to pass
And I have always passed
And given strength to that light

By now, I thought the game is over
The light has reached its limit
It cannot shine any brighter
The challenges are due to cease

But no, I was wrong

For every time I smile

And every time I laugh
For each blessing I acknowledge
The light gains power

And my life is so full of goodness

I am so very blessed
Even if the times of suffering
There's a silver lining
To hold onto and to grasp

So every time I choose to notice
To seek and to acknowledge
My life becomes richer
Happiness surrounds me
In the glow of that bright light

I Believe

God,

I believe
I trust
But I don't understand

I believe in you,  God
I believe you run the world

I trust in you, God
I trust that there's a greater plan

But I don't understand you, God
I can't comprehend

Why it is necessary?
Why do we need to suffer?
Why do we have so much pain?

Why, God, why?
Why me? Why her? Why him? 

What did we do to deserve such a fate?
What terrible sin did we commit?

How are we supposed to deal with a living hell?
How can I cope with this endless pain?

When will it end?
When will I feel whole again?

Where will the relief come from?
Where should I search for help?

Who will save us?
Who can I reach out to?

Who will hurt us?
Who will use my body and heart to their own advantage?

I need some answers
Some consolation

Something 
Anything

To help me understand

I believe
I trust
But I don't understand. 

For This I Cry

For these things I weep; my eye, yea my eye, sheds tears, for the comforter to restore my soul is removed from me (Eicha, Lamentations 1:16)

A childhood stolen
For this I cry

The pain I suffered
For this I cry

The disbelief at my pain
For this I cry

The blame and finger pointing
For this I cry

All the childhoods stolen
For this I cry

The innocent victims unprotected
For this I cry

The youth who take on the duty of the elders
For this I cry

The monsters who roam around free
For this I cry

All those who choose to remain naive
For this I cry

For this we should all cry
Till the day our tears flood the world
And there is no longer what to cry about

And God shall wipe the tears off every face, and the shame of His people shall remove from upon the entire earth (Yeshayahu, Isaiah 25:8)