I'm Sorry Body

I'm Sorry Body,

For calling you names, shaming you
and putting you down, lest you be proud.

For hiding you under layers of clothing
ashamed for so many years.

For starving you and depriving you
in hopes of getting slimmer.

For forcing pills through your system,
depleting you of the little nutrients you had left.

For not respecting and abusing you.

For making you sick and ignoring your needs.

For not acknowledging the miracle that you are.

But most of all for hating you.

Please, forgive me. Let's be friends.

I promise to do my best to nurture and nourish you.

To respect and take care of you.

But most of all, I will love you. 

For you hold my soul and you deserve the best.

I'm sorry, body, I will do better going forward.

Sisters

Sisters.

Those who have one
Feel blessed.
They claim to be the best of friends.

Those who don't have one.
Wish they did.
They say they missed out on growing up with their best friend.

I have a sister.
Yet, I don't feel blessed.
We are not friends, we don't even speak.

Because all that connects us is our DNA.
There is no love and connection.

Perhaps there never was.

She chose to look the other way

And protect my abuser
She chose him over me.

She knew the truth
Yet, she claimed I was lying
Because it didn't fit with her idea of happily ever after.

Sisters. They're supposed to stick by you through thick and thin.
My sister. She went running when I needed her most.
She's not my sister. She's just my parents other daughter.

Alone

All alone
I lay here
Sleeping

All alone
I sit here
Writing

All alone
I live here
Existing

Because I am alone
Without company
And friendship

Because loneliness consumes me
When no one can understand
And no one cares enough to either

So all alone
I sleep. I write. I exist.

"Alone is what I have. Alone is what protects me." 

Sherlock Holmes

Does Anyone Care?

I used to wonder
Do I matter?
Does anyone care?
What is my worth?

My family-
They have made it clear
My abusers comfort is worth more than my life

All the therapists
I saw as a child
Ignored the obvious signs of abuse and couldn't be bothered with saving me

My teachers
The school I went to
Saw me as a nuisance more than they saw my value

So many friends
Just walked away
They didn't care that I was in pain, they needed to look good for shidduchim

And now again, I wonder
Do I matter?
Does anyone care?
What is my worth?

But

I was little

You were older.

I was naive
You took advantage.

I was trusting
You were manipulative.

And you abused me
But it was more than abuse.

You stole from me
However I'm not sure I want it back.

You stole my childhood
My innocence and ability to trust.

But I gained knowledge and a deeper sensitivity towards others in pain.

You stole my feelings of self-worth
The way I felt comfortable in my own skin.

But I am learning to ignore societal standards of beauty and love myself despite my flaws.

You stole my parents
How I loved them and felt their love back.

But as I learn to let go, I am able to make decisions that empower me instead of living in their shadows.

You stole my future
It seemed there was nothing left to live for anymore.

But now my future shines brighter than yours, the star child, and I know all hope is not lost.

You stole my body
Now it no longer responds the way it used to.

But I have learned to be more sensitive to my body and to listen to those silent messages.

You stole what I could have been
Everything I wanted to be is now out of reach.

But now I have been given opportunities that are far greater than anything I could have ever imagined.

You stripped my mind
It is now haunted by the demons of what you have done.

But now I am healing and no longer haunted by the demons because you can no longer control me.

You stole and stole selfishly without a second thought.

But you can't bring me down. This has made me stronger than I could have ever hoped to be.

The Battle of my Recovery and My Abuse

I was abused
Taken advantage of
My body felt dirty and shameful
The pain was so deep, so intense
I needed to numb it out
I couldn't bear to remember

So I stopped eating.

I felt strong and powerful
Finally in control of my body
For once it was doing what I wanted
And I barely remembered the abuse
All I felt were pangs of hunger
And it felt good, the physical pain was a relief

So I continued starving myself.

But the control turned into fear
I was afraid of not being accepted
For the body God gave me
For the past I had to endure
For who I really truly was
And I was getting weaker, not stronger

I was scared, numb, and weak.

I ate so little, my body shut down
My heart was barely pumping
My brain shut down
I couldn't think coherently
My emotions had shut down long ago
I wasn't feeling

I was dying.

I had an eating disorder
They sent me to treatment
And there I began to eat
Not out of desire, but rather out of force
When my body got its strength back
My heart began to thaw

I hit rock bottom.

The emotions overwhelmed me
The flashbacks overtook me
All the pain I had shut out
Finally resurfaced
And the urges to restrict came back stronger

But I held on stronger.

I finally knew what it meant to feel alive
I had gained back part of my life
And I wasn't giving it back up so easily
The eating disorder and the trauma told me I can't do it
However the joys in my life that I only recently felt
Tied a knot in my rope and forced me to hold on

I continued eating.

The journey is hard
It's like walking through fire barefoot
Every step burns
But if I stop, it'll consume me
And I'll never get out alive
And that's all I really want
So I'll just keep fighting every day, every meal, until I win.

It's What I Do With My Pain

Survivors. It's such a general term.

We use it for anyone who has been through sexual abuse. But not everyone who has been through sexual abuse is the same. There are different types of abuse. And that leads to various effects. And all these people who have been abused turn out differently.

There are the Forever Victims. They may speak up about their abuse. They may not. However, it is always about them. Their message is always the same. I have been hurt. I have been betrayed. You owe me now. You all owe me. Everything is about my pain and suffering, never about empowerment and moving forward. They pull out the victim card whenever they get the chance.

Then there are the Survivors. The ones who have been hurt and acknowledge that. But then they decide they want to heal. They want to have a good life, turn the pain into power. So this is what they talk about, how awful the abuse was and how it transformed them, changed their lives. It's a powerful and important message, one we all need to hear.

And then some Survivors become Advocates. They dedicate their lives to helping others become Survivors. They speak up about their abuse because they know how important it is for others to hear how devastating and how common it is. It is these Advocates who are changing the face of sexual abuse, today and tomorrow. They empower other Survivors just by being, just their mere existence inspires others. Because they make it about everyone else's suffering. Not their own. That was just the process they had to endure to save others.

But let's not be mistaken and assume that it is the ones who have endured the worst abuse and with the least support who become Forever Victims. Interestingly enough, it is usually the ones who have been hurt the most who sympathize the most. They have been hurt and beaten and stepped on, over and over, so they understand how much it hurts. They want to make you feel better and not go through what they did.

"Above all be the heroine of your own life, not the victim."