These Demons

My nights have been filled with tears
Tears mourning over death
Tears wishing for death
Oh, the tears keep flowing

By day, I am consumed by the pain
Hoping for a respite
Yet, knowing it won't come
Dreading the next attack

The panic comes in waves
At times I am possessed
By a cool calm that is not me
But then my demons return

And they return with a vengeance
Not allowing for a moment of peace
They hold me tight
Until I can't breath anymore

My days turn into painful nights
and my nights to teary days
I'm living a nightmare
Unsure of day and night

These demons have captured me. 

Escaping Peninim

This is the story of a gorgeous Bais Yaakov girl who got accepted to Peninim seminary.

Oh, but then she got accepted to a seminary with a far better reputation. So she notified Rabbi Meisels of Peninim that she will not be attending. And he blew up! He called her school, her parents, her aunts, uncles, neighbors, and family Rabbonim attempting to convince them that Peninim was the best seminary for her in the hopes that they would reach out to her. When that did not work, he threatened her and her family that she would never get married. He threatened her younger sister's chances of getting into seminary and at shidduchim.

Obviously, this just turned off the family and the girl even more. The girl went to the other seminary and pushed this unpleasant incident out of her mind.

Fast forward to this summer when the news broke about Meisels sexually abusing students in Peninim and his other 3 seminaries and this girl's family heard the news... they remembered how Meisels insisted she come to Peninim and would not let her go. At the time, it seemed very strange. No one could explain it. Now, it made sense. All the pieces fit together. He accepted her to his seminary because he thought she was "good prey" and when she didn't come, he could not handle losing a girl he almost had his hands on. 

This is the sick mind of Meisels, the man running the seminaries that so many of our girls have been going to for years. The man trusted with the lives of girls at 4 seminaries for a full year, living overseas from their parents. A very sick twisted mind indeed. 

If you or anyone you know had a similar experience or was abused by Meisels, I am willing to share your story on my blog anonymously. Please email me at manytearsago@gmail.com. 

The Life

Let me tell you about life
the life of a survivor

A survivor who was a victim
and rose up to the challenge of life

A survivor who blossomed
in the face of trauma

A survivor who's every success
is a downfall for the abuser

A survivor who continues to live
even after you killed her

A survivor who thrives and grows
despite your attempts to stunt his growth

Because a survivor is a fighter
a warrior and a champion.

And that is a life worth living,
the life of a survivor.

Letting Go

Abuse; it's the shattering of ones heart and soul 

by a monster disguised as a human being

The pain of feeling the jagged edges poke into you 

as the pieces fall to the ground 

and the burning in your soul that follows.

But then you start healing.

looking at all the broken pieces laying around, 

you cry over what was and what could have been

yet commit to creating a masterpiece with those broken pieces.

And only then can you begin to love

love hands you the pieces and passes the glue 

so you can continue building and creating

Love shares in the joy of your accomplishments 

and holds you when the nightmares return.

Love whispers encouragement when your laying on the ground

and holds out its hand when you are ready to get back up

But love can only come when you learn to let go. 

Take Me Back

Take me back 
to innocent times
before I learned
of pain and abuse

Take me back 
and teach me
the words I need to know
what is right and what is wrong

Take me back
and hold my hand
protect me
with all you've got

Take me back
and don't leave me
until you are sure
that I will forever be safe

Take me back 
to more pleasant times
of sweetness and laughter
and lets stop the sun forever.

Moving Forward

I look in the mirror

Who am I

Am I a scared little girl

Am I a victim of abuse

Devastated and troubled

I used to think I was

I used to think that was my identity

That was the reflection I would see

But then I met you

And you changed me

You helped me see who I really am

Who I could be

A strong woman

A survivor

Proud and secure

So you taught me

And showed me

Through laughter and tears

Not to let my past define me

But to define it on my own terms

To hold the cards

And play the game

And be the boss in life

But then you left me

I cried and despaired

Who would show me now

Who would lead me

Take my hand as we carve a path

For ourselves in this crazy world

It was a tragic goodbye

No questions allowed

No time for answers

I prayed

And I hoped

Maybe one day you'll return

For that is my only comfort

That one day you will take heed of your own advice

Listen to your heart

Trust your instincts

Live life to the fullest

And acknowledge your feelings

Don't let your past define you

We all have a history

So lets forget what happened

Take my hand and we will walk together

Only moving forward

These Bandaged Wings

You came to me
You told me you need me

I told you to get away
For years I was yours
To do with as you pleased

Now I am free
Now I can say no

But you wouldn't take no
So you made me yours again
Your raped me and left me shaking

Please stop
Just get away, I beg

So you left
You disappeared
You got what you needed and jumped

Now I cannot move
I cannot breathe

What was once bandaged wings
Are now shattered beyond repair
As I lay here and cry